


Falling For You Feels A Lot Like Just Falling

by suicider00m



Series: Dan Howell has an eating disorder 'verse [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 22:51:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6348799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicider00m/pseuds/suicider00m
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's difficult to love someone with an eating disorder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling For You Feels A Lot Like Just Falling

**Author's Note:**

> Could be triggering because of eating disorders, please be careful when reading.

Phil fell in love with hobbit hair and early morning kisses, a sofa crease and quiet piano music. Soft eyes and softer lips; late-night conversations about everything and nothing at all. Looking into the kitchen cupboard and seeing too many mugs for only two people, stealing cereal just to hear the fondly exasperated sigh of his name. Lopsided smiles and _just_ noticeable freckles, unbridled laughter giving way to soft giggles. Cuddling in sleepy silence while sharing morning coffee, a head on his shoulder with soft breaths on his neck. Phil fell in love with Dan. 

Phil couldn’t fall in love with a rumbling stomach. The sound of pacing at 2 a.m., seeing meals replaced with coffee and sneaked cigarettes, hour long showers spent looking in the mirror and never being happy with the reflection. Making dinner for two only eaten by one, kisses tasting faintly of mouthwash and bile. Hiding behind layers of clothing, always wearing jackets but never being warm. Blue and purple nails to match the blossoming bruises, stumbling footsteps and crashing into walls. Every new bone that pushes through skin breaking Phil’s heart just a little bit more. 

Phil fell in love with Dan but he could never fall in love with Dan’s eating disorder. 

… 

They’re cuddled on the couch, still in their pyjamas. Dan is curled up, his feet over Phil’s lap and his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. He holds a hot cup of coffee close to his chest in an attempt to take advantage of the heat, trying to fight away the constant chill. One of Phil’s hands rests on Dan’s head, gently combing fingers through soft hair; the other holds his own mug. 

“Breakfast?”

Dan’s answer never changes, but every morning Phil hopes to hear something different. He likes to think that Dan will ask for some eggs and toast with a side of bacon, maybe some fruit as well. He’ll cook as Dan sits on the counter, critiquing his cooking skills and nabbing bits of bacon when he thinks Phil isn’t looking. They’ll sit at the breakfast bar and hold hands, playfully steal food off each other’s plates while stealing kisses in between. Phil lets himself imagine for the few seconds it takes Dan to answer.

“Not hungry.”

… 

Phil tries to show Dan how beautiful he is but he can never get through.

He whispers his favorite things into soft skin, kisses everything he loves until Dan is shaking and crying out from underneath him. He sucks bruises on Dan’s neck, wincing when he can feel the tendons underneath his tongue. He holds Dan close, feels his bones and pulls him closer still despite his fear. Phil wakes up in the morning and (after checking to see that Dan is still breathing) wakes him up with soft kisses. 

It’s never quite enough. Dan still cries when he steps on the scale, still can’t look in the mirror without hating what he sees. He shakes whenever Phil touches his thighs, will never fully sit on Phil’s lap for fear of crushing him. Eating is a struggle that never gets better. 

Dan would never love himself, but Phil tries to love him enough for the both of them.


End file.
